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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I'm Sally O'Malley and I'm 50 years old!

WTH? How did THAT happen? I swear I remember just yesterday walking across the yard at my parent's farm, looking down at my hand holding out 5 fingers and thinking "I am 5  years that's pretty old!" Now here I a few days I hit the big 5-0. I think I may just go with Roman numerals and tell people I am "L"..sounds better. I feel bemused,amused,confused. I don't FEEL eyesight feels 50. I can't see close up or far away..I do have a span from 3-6 feet away that is pretty sweet tho'!

 My feet and knees and back feel 50..oh OK..some days 150! This past year I have came to the decision that my Statin cholesterol meds were taking a huge toll on my joints. I have switched to diet, supplements and exercise..oh and supplements.. to hopefully keep my levels at a reasonable level.When I get up in the morning it sounds like I am walking on bubble wrap..snap,crackle pop. I am hoping my joints brain fog has definitely improved!

My hair feels 50..oh OK..100. I got my first white hair at 16 and if I didn't color it it would be 90% white at this point. I told myself in my 30's and 40's that when I hit 50 I would chop it short and let it go white. Not quite on board with that idea yet! I was eyeing Miley Cyrus's new haircut the other day and thinking, "hmmm..maybe platinum blond?" But alas, I have olive skin and I don't think platinum is in the cards for me (and yes, I also begin sentences with prepositions..I'm just a rebel that way!) Maybe I'll go bright pink or Katy Perry blue...hmm..wonder what reaction that would get at church on Sunday? "What happened?! Did you lose a bet?"..maybe not.
Apparently my ovaries still think I am in the game and they are not going quietly into the good night. Instead, after a few months of apparent napping, they have found another egg under the ovarian couch to toss down the tubes at me. I bet that sucker was covered with dust bunnies.. I did have the joy 2 summers ago of going to Walgreen's to purchase a pregnancy test just for my own peace of mind. I also bought wrinkle cream..2 purchases that should NEVER be made together. I asked the cashier, "Which is or just old?" (She voted for baby!) So Happy 50th birthday to me, my body gave me one more period..   ....    ..     ...  .. . .          .   

My face doesn't think I'm 50..maybe pushing 40..oh OK..pulling 40 behind me on a cart. I have noticed laugh lines which I am OK with, but I am getting these bitchy little lines at the corners of my mouth. I already have what is refered to as "chronic bitch face"so these are not helpful. I have dark hair and eyes and even when I think I have a normal pleasant expression on my face I get passive aggressive assholes telling me to "Cheer up!" "It's not that bad!" or my person fav "Who pissed in your Cheerios?"which makes me want to beat them senseless ( Gee thanks random stranger dude..great pickup line by the way..has that one worked like..ever?)...OK..maybe I am a bitch! I have grown a bit of a wattle under my chin and to my horror, I found out last summer I have old lady under arms. I was wearing a sleevless top and had my arm out the window of the car and caught the reflection in the side mirror..EGADS! I guess I could do a bunch of bicep/tricep/armpit excercises but I have pretty much just decided on No Sleeveless Tops. I was sprouting an extra boob there for awhile between my bra band and my armpit, but I lost 20 pounds eating like a diabetic with my newly  diabetic husband and happily that went away..just when I was trying to figure out how to wrangle it into my bra cups!

 My neck and chest are getting weird lines reminiscent of rings in a slice of tree...tracking those ill-spent summers of bikinis and baby oil. I keep chasing my now 20 year old daughters with sunscreen telling them, "You'll be sorry!" The mirror in the morning is usually not my friend. Some days my oustanding bedhead display (curly hair) can momentarily distract me. Some days it is so crazy I have to go show my daughter.."Look at THIS!"..sometimes it is Albert Einstein or Don King and last week I swear it was a cockatiel mohawk!

 I have developed 2 "sun spots" which is a nice way of saying "age spots" under each eye. They sort of look like 2 of those tears gang bangers get tattooed on when they whack someone..not schmexy. I always thought I'd age gracefully..I remember my Gramma whom I very strongly resemble as white haired and squishy and always in a dress.And theeeen there was Demi Frickin' Moore and that old lady Cameron Diaz...crap.Thanks for setting the bar low, ladies! Soooo last night I was in the old lady section of KMart perusing the face creams...WTH happened there by the way? There used to be Ponds and Noxema and Oil of Olay in a pink bottle ..and that was pretty much it! Now it is an entire aisle! There are so many creams, lotions, serums, cleansers, scrubs, foams, fillers, spackle...holy crap. I didn't even know I HAD that many issues! I grabbed my old stand by (white "Oil of OldLAdY") and a cream that promised to "even my tone" and fade my gang banger tears 90-63-32%...if I am "85% of the women who use this" which I am probably not! $38 freaking bucks later....well at least it smells good. (I think a couple bottles of vodka would have had the same blurring effect..or cheaper lightbulbs above the bathroom sink.)

My mind doesn't think I am 50. I am actually a lot smarter and much more fearless than my younger years..thank goodness! I can still see a cute young guy and blush on the inside like I'm 16..but then he calls me Ma'ame... *sigh*. Sometimes I feel like I need a caption under me like on the nightly news "Former Hottie" "Used To Be Cool" LOL. I am blessed with a great husband and kids and family so actually 50 isn't that big of a deal to I am in denial anyways..or maybe I am so old I forget how old I am and it doesn't matter! I guess I just need to embrace it like good old Sally O'Malley from Saturday Night Live..I wonder where she gets those nifty pants....I think I have this purse already...


The Polka Dot Closet said...

Happy birthday to you!! It's not that bad, but it is creepy when all of the old things that happen to old people starts to happen to you....BTW, don't go grey, keep on coloring!


Unknown said...

LMBO....that was funny, and scary, cuz that's me too! :-)

Memories for Life said...

I hope you have a great birthday!
Your awesome sense of humor will keep you young for sure!
I loved the part of the pregnancy test and wrinkle cream...LOL!